Die in the City

Knowledge Collection Personal Relationships
, ,
1

I think this happened 3 years ago. We and the girls had a girls-night-out. Sex in the City first movies was being screened in the cinema and though I was not a big fan of Carrie Bradshaw and her gang, I gladly accepted the invitation. We had some drinks and cakes in a downtown Chisinau bakery (no doubts, some of us were visualizing themselves in a stylish Manhattan pastry shop serving elegant European desserts and best cappuccino), chatted, giggled and headed towards the cinema. The movie was quite positive and it was the girls who made it better, funnier, and sexier altogether. I exited the theater and was really in this happy, pinky mood I would say. My boyfriend (now my husband) was waiting for me so that we could continue the night out together. I kissed the girls goodbye and couldn’t stop smiling. He took my hand and told me: I have some really bad news. Skakun passed away!

Skakun was a family friend. I mean we were never friends, ‘cause he was my parents’ age and my parents’ friend. But he was such a common guest in our house also because he was a neighbor. I was shocked – I am sure it was a common shock of a person learning about someone’s death: you start realizing that he will never be around, no more visits, calls, laughs, fights etc. This realization of FATALITY overwhelms you.

This is how my obsessive fear of death was born. I realized that anytime of the day, rainy or sunny, winter or summer, good mood or bad, you can get a CALL. From that day on, I realized every time I would get a call on my cell from a family member, my heart started beating like crazy. Every time I heard a family member telling me: I’ve got some bad news for you, I would start trembling epileptically and after hearing the “bad” news, I would usually burst into a hysterical cry. The situation got even worse after I gave birth to my son and in 3 months got back to the office. My mind was “compressed” during the whole business day. After working hours I was running home to find him safe and sound and that was the happy moment of the day.

Today I think I can control my fear and the whole situation has improved significantly. And this happened thanks to communication mostly. I have realized that my husband, my friends, my mates at work…we all think about death, we all fear it, we all think of it as a nightmare…sometimes we simply give up thinking, ‘cause our brain explodes! I do not think I have yet established a clear relationship, attitude towards this black lady…although I believe this is the only way to supersede this brain-eating fear!

Every night, before going to bed, I kiss his little feet (I am in love with his toes) and think to myself: this is NOW, this is LIFE, and this is “HAPPY”!

2

What family model did you choose?

Hi Lyuda, this is the first such experience of transition I read about at Edgeryders, I think most of us are too young to think about death, although of course losing dear ones is something everybody experiences at some point. Not so easy to talk about this, especially with people one doesn;t know, so I appreciate your act of courage.

I’m curious though, you are very young, married young and gave birth young. How come? We have very different visions here from people who think there’s no room to build a family when you’re up for a career or struggling to make a living - Lucyanna’s story has generated quite a debate - and at the same time some that don’t feel the need to settle in the traditional family model - husband and kids, rather build a new family model around close friends, freedom and openness to new ideas. This is Missy’s story

I’m super curious to see what made you choose this path, and what would you say to the Edgeryders mentioned above? feel free to comment to their stories, I’m also following conversation there…

Welcome to Edgeryders!

Noemi

3

To Noemi

Hi Noemi,

Thanks for your comment. I was waiting for a comment and here it is:)

I think of myself as an open minded person and I don’t think that there is a right or a wrong way to build your life…I accept and understand people who go for a career and I absolutely don’t think that everybody has to have two kids (a boy and a girl), a husband who will earn more than a wife etc. I tend to listen to my inner self, I do what I want even if it is “out of fashion or trend”…I fell in love, I married …I wanted a baby badly, I made one…Now I am working in a managerial position and trying to COMBINE. And when time comes to choose between my engagements, I already know what my choice will be…It’s rather simple. Maybe because I am not such a perfectionist and maximalist it is working easier for me…I mean, if there is nothing to eat at home and I am too tired to cook and so is my husband, we go out and eat…if the house needs to be cleaned, but we would both rather watch a movie, then “the hell” with the house! if I have a short deadline at work, I’ll take papers home and work an extra hour after my baby goes to sleep…I am playing around! :slight_smile:

4

That’s ideal IMO

Let me just say, I think it’s great that you manage with all that and seem to do a great job combining your professional and personal life.! As much as I’d like to have that outlook, and it feels natural when I read about it, I couldn’t do it,  not now. And that’s the case for many of my peers. Most of us have been involved in relationships for years now, but somehow  none of us intends to get married in the next couple years, as if it were not a priority, not that we don;t want to. We’re also in our mid 20s. Of course, reasons differ and this is not the place to generalize… but I still find it strange, particularly when having to justify it to my parents, grandparents, who don’t seem to understand.

Do you still live in Chisinau? Working from home or in a multinational?..

5

Married or not?

Hey Noemi!

I havee never thought of the marriage as a priority either. It is important, but not fatal…for me. He proposed, I said yes andthat was it. I mean,why not get married? just for the sake of not following a tradition? The whole marriage thing perhaps is not even that important. We could have lived together, raise a baby and It would be the same, I guess…but it was kind of cool…but as you say, people have their own reasons and make different decisions :)))

Yes, I am still in Chisinau and am working for an International Nonprofit :slight_smile:

6

Hello Liudmila, I really didnt expect such a Mission Report! It surprised me in a nice way and it made me think about how I deal with the issue myself…

Actually as far as I remember I was always terrifying even to think about the “D” word… I couldn’t even think  that one day my loving ones would pass by, I was having as well crisis attacks and cryings and a whole panic package… But then (which is quite recently) I had this conversation with a new friend of mine from Norway (i don’t if there is something to do with nationality). We talked about how we are born and breed to be afraid of death and how much of a taboo it is… We prefer not to talk not to hear not to see anything related to it and we put all of our efforts to keep all of its “forms” away from our lives… And this is the problem! We are not familiar with it and we don’t learn how to deal with… Nobody gives you this kind of lessons and only experience can make you resisting…

BUT we concluded on that: what if we were taking it as just another end, everything finishes there, whatever you do or say, however you are or you want to be, how many friends you made or not, how much happy or unhappy you were, you had your shot! It is like a race you put all of your effort to be the first or the best (whatever this means) because you know that after you cross the finishing line… I think for me it is quite revealing this thought, I am doing my best because i ll never have (probably) a 2nd chance… :slight_smile:

What do you think of that ?

Btw, I love the picture of you kissing your son’s little feet <3

7

Doing your best

Hey, Luna!

Thanks for your comment, great one! Actually that could be a great motivational tool: you’ve got only one life, so do your utmost!

Cheers and good night!