Family Life - A myth

Family life could be a myth.

Not because we are condemned to loneliness.

But because today’s jobs are designed not to let us enjoy enough free time. We do have some free time, don’t get me wrong. But we don’t have the time needed to build a family, the time needed to feel, create and support such a complex social and emotional structure…a family.

Do you really, but really think, that if you work 8 hours/day, need to run a household by yourself and deal with other thousands of daily life tasks, you can still be the perfect partner and/or parent?The truth is that you can’t.

Time management and stress control are both myths. So has become family life. Don’t look at TV or magazines. Think for yourself and count the number of free hours a day. You still have 3-4 free hours a day ? Ok, that’s great, but this time is barely enough for cooking, sleeping, eating and…(pretending to) love your partner and (pretending to) play with your child.

Being so tired and stressed, you don’t even it notice how badly you perform in human relationships.

A family is about love and creativity, but no one can afford being creative and affectionate after 8 hours of forced work…and yes, exploitation.

I know many people here will not agree with me and will defend the modern society. I admit there are many people who have both successful careers and ….families. Unfortunately, no one mentions how successful those families are.

Getting married and becoming a parent are relatively easy steps. But building a family is a totally different thing. It takes time and it takes a clear mind and an opened heart.

We are no longer in the position to offer the best of us to our families. We already gave everything to our employers. We are kind of worn out and empty, yet we still think we “should “ have a family, of course, a family that won’t ruin our “career”.

I don’t believe one can combine family life and professional work. Not today. We are not free to make the best choices for ourselves; we are only free to be aggressive and competitive at the office and then pretend to be happy and relaxed at home.

Grim, but disturbing

Wow, Lucyanna, that is a pretty grim picture. My instinct is to disagree with you, but I don’t really have the credentials to do that, because I don’t really have a family in the fullest sense: married yes, but no children. But what I think, of course, is completely irrelevant.

What’s interesting is this: how are you coping? On Edgeryders, Bridget seems to be exploring a possible solution: working from home, and redesigning family life around sharing a space most of the time. Which, come to think of it, is pretty much like my grandparents lived in the rural life of the mid 20th century. But maybe you, or people around you, are exploring other paths…

Not coping…

Maybe I should not be afraid to say that I am not coping.

Solutions do exist, but they are out of my reach as a young person :

  • more opportunities to work from home

  • a more flexible work schedule

  • remuneration based on quality, not cantity

  • less working hours /day (yes, that’s right ! 8 hours/day is a bit too much) and more free days

  • pay the person , not the position : if a person is good at what he/she does, negotiate a salary, maybe a bit smaller than average, that would  give her instead the right to have some control over her life and schedule

  • more support for young families

Who should be responsible for this ? Employers, policy-makers …?

I am aware these changes will not become real, though.

So I am not coping …

Follow your heart

“Building a family” is clearly a very difficult goal to achieve nowadays.

I believe it is possible to reach a state of happiness and extend it to children. However, this can only be achieved by breaking away from the stereotypes imposed by society. For example, Bridget McKenzie has created suited for her needs, an environment where she and her family have the room to grow, AT THEIR OWN PACE, without the pressures of the external world.

Nowadays, it is true, I totally agree with you, people are pressed in an insane whirlwind of activity. There is no more time to think. Yet, that is the most important activity to do. There is more time to just BE, because we are surrounded by doers. Children are excellent at just being. They just be all day long. We were like that, when we were young, but we forgot about being.

Tobuild a family”, many things must be eliminated. I made a cross on the acquisition of a lot of material goods, I entirely forgot about the exciting opportunities to socialize and enjoy myself for a couple of years, to focus on one thing: my family. Which is, like Bridget, a single child. And since the father dumped me, we are a family of two, happy and contented with what we have.

After six years of efforts, I clearly see the difference, I can see that I have notsacrificed” in vain all these things. “Sacrifice” is definitely not the best word to describe the situation. It was no sacrifice at all! It was a CHOICE I made with great joy and enthousiasm. Those wonderful years have passed like a flash. And the bliss continues, day after day. I thank life to have filled me with such grace, and I ask that it lasts indefinitely.

My advice: Do no be scared! Removes all these thoughts from your mind, clear your mind. Believe in yourself. Stand by your ideals and continue to dream about them. The hell with what others might think of you!!! Follow your own path, and forget about the rest. Love is the most important thing in this world. Love is the only thing that really matters. Love is the strongest force in the universe. Love for a child will never be like love for a consort or relatives or friends. Motherhood is a fantastic experience, the ultimate creativity. I encourage you to follow your heart.

Love matters, yes, indeed

Dear Lyne,

Thank you for your supportive message. I totally embrace your words.

“Breaking away from stereotypes imposed by society” is what I intend to and hope to do. “The hell with what others might think”…I am working on caring less about it, though I must say, I still do .

I need the time and space to THINK and BE. I need to create it. Otherwise I know this fight is going to be lost.

Single parent-single child families work better than conventional ones…just a remark. It’s a deeper parent -child connection and a new sense of  family identity. The parent is more like a friend and the child is more responsible, too. So…congratulations !!

I am glad for you and for your child and I wish you both much happiness ! I am aware love is the only thing worth it.

Beauty of humanity

Absolutely! Your description of the single parent single child relationship fits my situation! There is a very strong link between my son and I. It has been there since his birth, and it does not diminish. It’s the real thing, you know… unconditional love.

Once one makes the experience of true unconditional love, then it becomes easier to extend it to others.

I was 40 years old when I gave birth to my son. I breastfeeded him until he was 3 years old. He needed this attention and affection. If I had refused to continue breastfeeding him, it might have compromised the strength of our relationship. The early years are really important. I took the time my son needed.

Had I been younger, this relationship would have been very differently. I am convinced that I would not have reached this state of wellness and happiness.

This is my son Zakary, 8 months old.

I saw the beauty of humanity in these child’s eyes. It changed my life.

Congratulations !

I am delighted to meet your beautiful child ! He looks very happy in these pictures. I am convinced he can feel your love and care !

I think you made some great decisions, at the right time.

Love is perfect and is always right, if it’s true love.

I believe a woman should be free to decide if and when to have a child, regardless of her being or not in a relationship at that moment. This is a basic human right. The woman actually pays in advance for this right, enduring much pain and humiliation in many situations.

The right to create life is a compensation, I guess. And if one has some love to give, one should give it, totally agree.

Congratulations !

Wish you both much happiness !

The cockroaches style of fertility

Since you mentioned it… I also thought that a woman should be able to choose the perfect timing for her to plan a family. The problem is that it necessarily takes sperm.

If somehow our species could evolve so that women could self-replicate without the use of male sperm, it would have greatly ease my life.

I recently read in a book that my son took out from the library that cockroaches need only a single mating in their whole life to remain fertile for the rest of their existence. Something like that would have been much appreciated. In this way, the day we decided to become a mother, there is no need to do all sorts of hyper complicated stuff (like very pathetic seduction games or having to endure a toxic relationship) to make it happen.

The real power resides in the female energy. We are currently in the middle of a deep gender structural crisis. I hope it will profoundly change the future order of things.

In my next life, I will consider the option, which I find interesting… to reincarnate as cockroach, just for the kick of the life-time fertility!

This is an interesting idea…

Still, if this SF scenario was real, some women may use it wrong.  Maybe they would “discriminate” too much of the now useless (?) male gender , or maybe the male gender would become even more cruel. Imagine a world where men would not be required or expected to be fathers. These men will become even more violent, vicious or careless.

There is a balance in the universe, it’s just that our society still teaches gender roles wrong…

As far as I know , it is already possible as a woman to have a child without being a relationship , if  the woman decides to go to a sperm bank. When should a woman do this ? I believe a woman has the right to do this if her biological clock is ticking and her previous relationships failed. But I don’t think a woman should exclude the “normal solution” if she is, let’s say in her 20s and  single .

What do you think about it ?

Gender relations based on feminine forces

Somehow, I’m unable to feel an ounce of sorryness for the eventually ‘discriminated’ males. After the loads of discrimination that they have done to women — it has lasted for milleniums and it still happens — one might think that they   kidda   asked for it.

But I know this scenario would probably not occur in a matriarchal society, based on the true feminine power, if both men and women succeed in getting rid of their selfishness (which is caused by the illusion of the Separate self).

Both men and women would probably live in harmony, because the feminine force connects human beings with their Higher Selfwhether men or women, everyone has access to that power, and there is no gender discrimination (for instance, men would not be less equipped than women).

That way of being is not violent nor selfish. Therefore, the discriminatory behavior that males have imposed upon women would probably not be repeated.

Once connected to the Higher Self via the feminine power, our definition of sex also changes. The sensations it provides are far superior to any sexual sensation. Sex is being sublimated and the energy from the sexual organs is constantly pomped up to the brain, which provides a continuous feeling of bliss ecstasy. You automatically stop thinking about sex…

In a scenario based on true feminine power, all the sex that is spread all over so far in our cultural industries and lifestyles, would probably be very different in a society based on a feminine principle. Humans would learn to use this sexual energy in a positive way, in an aim to develop their psycho-physical faculties, and not to satisfy their physical needs.

Once there, I am unable to see beyond what could happen with the reproductive functions of the human species, and how this would affect and model new gender relations.

Love does great things, and I am certain that women and men would not need to use artificial techniques to ensure their reproductive functions. With the feminine energy, there is not even a need for drugs and medication, because the body heals itself automatically, each atom carries its role seamlessly. This harmony would probably also extend to reproductive functions.

I did not believe myself in these artificial techniques, and I let nature take its course and conduct its work. After two miscarriages and a struggle against my biological clock, I finally managed to give birth.

Yesterday, experimental philosopher asked me to define my model of a Luminous Man. I listed a few attributes in his Shine some light report ‘Des Hommes et de notre Civilisation’. Thank you for this discussion, you help me to think about what would happen to gender relations, in this model of the future, based on the feminine energy.

The true feminine power is about peace and forgiveness

So, no more gender war in the utopic future, inded. No one deserves discrimination.

I am not familiar with neither yoga or sacred philosophy.

But I know the future society should be indeed less violent , and totally not selfish.

Now history proved powerful women actually had some male characteristics, too.

So maybe it’s not about making one gender win over the other, but enjoying the beautiful combination.What do you think ?

The women style of being

‘Powerful women with male characteristics’, these women mastered how to play the game, to act by the rules of men. I don’t blame them, they attempt to gain recognition within the existing rules.

But sometimes, we see women put in positions of power, because of specific female abilities. Other times, women make strange declarations that men could never think of.

Christine Lagarde

One example that comes to my mind is Christine Lagarde, when she formalized her candidacy for the general direction of IMF in May 2011. She is currently the 9th most powerful woman in the world, according to Forbes. The selection of the head of the IMF or the World Bank should be based on merit, competence and transparently, hammered Pranab Mukherjee. It turned out that among her assets, the fact that she had less testosterone than most people among candidates was a decisive element for her.

So an excess of testosterone is not recommended in high positions of power… (ie sex). Male attributes were disqualified, and for the first time, a woman has been positioned as DG of IMF.

My second example is something that caught my attention last year.

Sweden launched on April 4, 2011 a website that allows taxpayers to see what happens to public financing money, in regards to development aid projects. This website aims to fight against corruption.

Gunilla Carlsson

You have transparency or not,” said Swedish Minister for International Development Cooperation Ministry for Foreign Affairs Gunilla Carlsson at a Bank-IMF Spring Meetings open data event. “It’s like being half pregnant. You can’t be half pregnant. This is something we have to do.” (ref Open data opens bank)

Gunilla Carlsson used the female experience of motherhood to make an association to the concept of transparency!