Family Life - A myth

Knowledge Collection Personal Relationships
, ,
1

Family life could be a myth.

Not because we are condemned to loneliness.

But because today’s jobs are designed not to let us enjoy enough free time. We do have some free time, don’t get me wrong. But we don’t have the time needed to build a family, the time needed to feel, create and support such a complex social and emotional structure…a family.

Do you really, but really think, that if you work 8 hours/day, need to run a household by yourself and deal with other thousands of daily life tasks, you can still be the perfect partner and/or parent?The truth is that you can’t.

Time management and stress control are both myths. So has become family life. Don’t look at TV or magazines. Think for yourself and count the number of free hours a day. You still have 3-4 free hours a day ? Ok, that’s great, but this time is barely enough for cooking, sleeping, eating and…(pretending to) love your partner and (pretending to) play with your child.

Being so tired and stressed, you don’t even it notice how badly you perform in human relationships.

A family is about love and creativity, but no one can afford being creative and affectionate after 8 hours of forced work…and yes, exploitation.

I know many people here will not agree with me and will defend the modern society. I admit there are many people who have both successful careers and ….families. Unfortunately, no one mentions how successful those families are.

Getting married and becoming a parent are relatively easy steps. But building a family is a totally different thing. It takes time and it takes a clear mind and an opened heart.

We are no longer in the position to offer the best of us to our families. We already gave everything to our employers. We are kind of worn out and empty, yet we still think we “should “ have a family, of course, a family that won’t ruin our “career”.

I don’t believe one can combine family life and professional work. Not today. We are not free to make the best choices for ourselves; we are only free to be aggressive and competitive at the office and then pretend to be happy and relaxed at home.

1 Like
2

Grim, but disturbing

Wow, Lucyanna, that is a pretty grim picture. My instinct is to disagree with you, but I don’t really have the credentials to do that, because I don’t really have a family in the fullest sense: married yes, but no children. But what I think, of course, is completely irrelevant.

What’s interesting is this: how are you coping? On Edgeryders, Bridget seems to be exploring a possible solution: working from home, and redesigning family life around sharing a space most of the time. Which, come to think of it, is pretty much like my grandparents lived in the rural life of the mid 20th century. But maybe you, or people around you, are exploring other paths…

3

Not coping…

Maybe I should not be afraid to say that I am not coping.

Solutions do exist, but they are out of my reach as a young person :

  • more opportunities to work from home

  • a more flexible work schedule

  • remuneration based on quality, not cantity

  • less working hours /day (yes, that’s right ! 8 hours/day is a bit too much) and more free days

  • pay the person , not the position : if a person is good at what he/she does, negotiate a salary, maybe a bit smaller than average, that would  give her instead the right to have some control over her life and schedule

  • more support for young families

Who should be responsible for this ? Employers, policy-makers …?

I am aware these changes will not become real, though.

So I am not coping …

4

Follow your heart

“Building a family” is clearly a very difficult goal to achieve nowadays.

I believe it is possible to reach a state of happiness and extend it to children. However, this can only be achieved by breaking away from the stereotypes imposed by society. For example, Bridget McKenzie has created suited for her needs, an environment where she and her family have the room to grow, AT THEIR OWN PACE, without the pressures of the external world.

Nowadays, it is true, I totally agree with you, people are pressed in an insane whirlwind of activity. There is no more time to think. Yet, that is the most important activity to do. There is more time to just BE, because we are surrounded by doers. Children are excellent at just being. They just be all day long. We were like that, when we were young, but we forgot about being.

To “build a family”, many things must be eliminated. I made a cross on the acquisition of a lot of material goods, I entirely forgot about the exciting opportunities to socialize and enjoy myself for a couple of years, to focus on one thing: my family. Which is, like Bridget, a single child. And since the father dumped me, we are a family of two, happy and contented with what we have.

After six years of efforts, I clearly see the difference, I can see that I have not “sacrificed” in vain all these things. “Sacrifice” is definitely not the best word to describe the situation. It was no sacrifice at all! It was a CHOICE I made with great joy and enthousiasm. Those wonderful years have passed like a flash. And the bliss continues, day after day. I thank life to have filled me with such grace, and I ask that it lasts indefinitely.

My advice: Do no be scared! Removes all these thoughts from your mind, clear your mind. Believe in yourself. Stand by your ideals and continue to dream about them. The hell with what others might think of you!!! Follow your own path, and forget about the rest. Love is the most important thing in this world. Love is the only thing that really matters. Love is the strongest force in the universe. Love for a child will never be like love for a consort or relatives or friends. Motherhood is a fantastic experience, the ultimate creativity. I encourage you to follow your heart.…

5

Love matters, yes, indeed

Dear Lyne,

Thank you for your supportive message. I totally embrace your words.

“Breaking away from stereotypes imposed by society” is what I intend to and hope to do. “The hell with what others might think”…I am working on caring less about it, though I must say, I still do .

I need the time and space to THINK and BE. I need to create it. Otherwise I know this fight is going to be lost.

Single parent-single child families work better than conventional ones…just a remark. It’s a deeper parent -child connection and a new sense of  family identity. The parent is more like a friend and the child is more responsible, too. So…congratulations !!

I am glad for you and for your child and I wish you both much happiness ! I am aware love is the only thing worth it.

6

Beauty of humanity

Absolutely! Your description of the single parent single child relationship fits my situation! There is a very strong link between my son and I. It has been there since his birth, and it does not diminish. It’s the real thing, you know… unconditional love.

Once one makes the experience of true unconditional love, then it becomes easier to extend it to others.

I was 40 years old when I gave birth to my son. I breastfeeded him until he was 3 years old. He needed this attention and affection. If I had refused to continue breastfeeding him, it might have compromised the strength of our relationship. The early years are really important. I took the time my son needed.

Had I been younger, this relationship would have been very differently. I am convinced that I would not have reached this state of wellness and happiness.

This is my son Zakary, 8 months old.

I saw the beauty of humanity in these child’s eyes. It changed my life.

7

Congratulations !

I am delighted to meet your beautiful child ! He looks very happy in these pictures. I am convinced he can feel your love and care !

I think you made some great decisions, at the right time.

Love is perfect and is always right, if it’s true love.

I believe a woman should be free to decide if and when to have a child, regardless of her being or not in a relationship at that moment. This is a basic human right. The woman actually pays in advance for this right, enduring much pain and humiliation in many situations.

The right to create life is a compensation, I guess. And if one has some love to give, one should give it, totally agree.

Congratulations !

Wish you both much happiness !

8

The cockroaches style of fertility

Since you mentioned it… I also thought that a woman should be able to choose the perfect timing for her to plan a family. The problem is that it necessarily takes sperm.

If somehow our species could evolve so that women could self-replicate without the use of male sperm, it would have greatly ease my life.

I recently read in a book that my son took out from the library that cockroaches need only a single mating in their whole life to remain fertile for the rest of their existence. Something like that would have been much appreciated. In this way, the day we decided to become a mother, there is no need to do all sorts of hyper complicated stuff (like very pathetic seduction games or having to endure a toxic relationship) to make it happen.

The real power resides in the female energy. We are currently in the middle of a deep gender structural crisis. I hope it will profoundly change the future order of things.

In my next life, I will consider the option, which I find interesting… to reincarnate as cockroach, just for the kick of the life-time fertility!

9

This is an interesting idea…

Still, if this SF scenario was real, some women may use it wrong.  Maybe they would “discriminate” too much of the now useless (?) male gender , or maybe the male gender would become even more cruel. Imagine a world where men would not be required or expected to be fathers. These men will become even more violent, vicious or careless.

There is a balance in the universe, it’s just that our society still teaches gender roles wrong…

As far as I know , it is already possible as a woman to have a child without being a relationship , if  the woman decides to go to a sperm bank. When should a woman do this ? I believe a woman has the right to do this if her biological clock is ticking and her previous relationships failed. But I don’t think a woman should exclude the “normal solution” if she is, let’s say in her 20s and  single .

What do you think about it ?

10

Gender relations based on feminine forces

Somehow, I’m unable to feel an ounce of sorryness for the eventually ‘discriminated’ males. After the loads of discrimination that they have done to women — it has lasted for milleniums and it still happens — one might think that they   kidda   asked for it.

But I know this scenario would probably not occur in a matriarchal society, based on the true feminine power, if both men and women succeed in getting rid of their selfishness (which is caused by the illusion of the Separate self).

Both men and women would probably live in harmony, because the feminine force connects human beings with their Higher Self — whether men or women, everyone has access to that power, and there is no gender discrimination (for instance, men would not be less equipped than women).

That way of being is not violent nor selfish. Therefore, the discriminatory behavior that males have imposed upon women would probably not be repeated.

Once connected to the Higher Self via the feminine power, our definition of sex also changes. The sensations it provides are far superior to any sexual sensation. Sex is being sublimated and the energy from the sexual organs is constantly pomped up to the brain, which provides a continuous feeling of bliss ecstasy. You automatically stop thinking about sex…

In a scenario based on true feminine power, all the sex that is spread all over so far in our cultural industries and lifestyles, would probably be very different in a society based on a feminine principle. Humans would learn to use this sexual energy in a positive way, in an aim to develop their psycho-physical faculties, and not to satisfy their physical needs.

Once there, I am unable to see beyond what could happen with the reproductive functions of the human species, and how this would affect and model new gender relations.

Love does great things, and I am certain that women and men would not need to use artificial techniques to ensure their reproductive functions. With the feminine energy, there is not even a need for drugs and medication, because the body heals itself automatically, each atom carries its role seamlessly. This harmony would probably also extend to reproductive functions.

I did not believe myself in these artificial techniques, and I let nature take its course and conduct its work. After two miscarriages and a struggle against my biological clock, I finally managed to give birth.

Yesterday, experimental philosopher asked me to define my model of a Luminous Man. I listed a few attributes in his Shine some light report ‘Des Hommes et de notre Civilisation’. Thank you for this discussion, you help me to think about what would happen to gender relations, in this model of the future, based on the feminine energy.

11

The true feminine power is about peace and forgiveness

So, no more gender war in the utopic future, inded. No one deserves discrimination.

I am not familiar with neither yoga or sacred philosophy.

But I know the future society should be indeed less violent , and totally not selfish.

Now history proved powerful women actually had some male characteristics, too.

So maybe it’s not about making one gender win over the other, but enjoying the beautiful combination.What do you think ?

12

The women style of being

‘Powerful women with male characteristics’, these women mastered how to play the game, to act by the rules of men. I don’t blame them, they attempt to gain recognition within the existing rules.

But sometimes, we see women put in positions of power, because of specific female abilities. Other times, women make strange declarations that men could never think of.

Christine Lagarde

One example that comes to my mind is Christine Lagarde, when she formalized her candidacy for the general direction of IMF in May 2011. She is currently the 9th most powerful woman in the world, according to Forbes. ‘The selection of the head of the IMF or the World Bank should be based on merit, competence and transparently’, hammered Pranab Mukherjee. It turned out that among her assets, the fact that she had less testosterone than most people among candidates was a decisive element for her.

So an excess of testosterone is not recommended in high positions of power… (ie sex). Male attributes were disqualified, and for the first time, a woman has been positioned as DG of IMF.

My second example is something that caught my attention last year.

Sweden launched on April 4, 2011 a website that allows taxpayers to see what happens to public financing money, in regards to development aid projects. This website aims to fight against corruption.

Gunilla Carlsson

“You have transparency or not,” said Swedish Minister for International Development Cooperation Ministry for Foreign Affairs Gunilla Carlsson at a Bank-IMF Spring Meetings open data event. “It’s like being half pregnant. You can’t be half pregnant. This is something we have to do.” (ref Open data opens bank)

Gunilla Carlsson used the female experience of motherhood to make an association to the concept of transparency!

Gilda Farrell

My third example is the great woman who is behind the Edgeryders project, Gilda Farrell, Head of the Social Cohesion Research and Early Warning Division, Directorate of Democracy at the Council of Europe. I admire her and I love listening to her talk. There is much wisdom and experience in her words.

When the platform was launched, back in November 2011, blog posts were written to present the Edgeryders team members. I really enjoyed how Gilda Farrell talked about her son. (ref, Meet the team: Gilda)

‘Lastly, there is a personal reason for my involvement (at Edgeryders). I am a mother. I have a son who is an engineer and I found myself having to encourage and support him when going through tough selective processes to become employed after graduation. Rather than encouraging him, the first experiences destroyed his self-confidence. Employers were requiring abstract leading and cooperation skills while his technical knowledge was not valued.  And now that he’s eventually succeeded, he told me that he would’ve wanted, whilst in university, to be trained in managing human relations and in dealing with hierarchical positions and communication at the workplace. He had to learn all of these through experience.’

Her experience with her son gave her the necessary determination and I am convinced that it  helped her persuade the Council of Europe to agree to set up the experimental Edgeryders project.

When women are themselves, when they are true and when they speak with their hearts, it gives rise to opportunities, which differ from the manners laid out by men.

13

Dear Lyne,

You are right. Very interesting examples. You are a great role-model for young women.Are you into teaching and /or training ?

I think it’s ok to give power back to women, but I would personally never want one gender to have the power to control the other gender, as this is still unbalance. So, my dream is equality and not a society lead by women. I don’t think all women are kind& caring& loving as you are. Some women are really capable of power abuse…and just because women don’t start wars,  that doesn’t mean they are not capable of commiting crimes. (at least some of them are, as history proved it). What do you think about it ?

14

Feminine energy empowering evolution

I am not in teaching or training. I am an Engagement manager in the Edgeryders team for now, an open government activist since 2009 and a Web project manager and analyst, since 13 years. Here is my LinkedIn profile.

Equity between men and women is also something that I would like to see achieved.

My model of an ideal society (experimental philosopher Michel Filippi and Edgeryders participant and I called this model the “Luminous Man”) is based on the feminine energy. But that does not mean at all that women would have power over men.

The energy of life, the one that allows the human race to reproduce, fills us with love and passion, guides us (intuition): this energy is female. The same power that brings a human child into being drives it at a certain period of life to the act of procreation, and, when the time is ripe, fills it with the urge for self-awareness, as it had once filled it with erotic desire, to lead to a higher state of being.

When we really connect with this energy (which can be found in our body), we are free of ego, immoderate ambition, lust and greed for wealth. We become more ready to serve than to rule, altruistic and compassionate.

Human beings (men or women), when they awaken the feminine energy dormant in every human being develop the following traits of character:

Non-violence, truthfulness, sweetness of tongue, absence of anger, tranquillity, refraining from malicious gossip, kindness to all creatures, nonattachment to the objects of senses, mildness, abstaining from idle pursuits, sublimity, forgiveness, absence of malice and feeling of self-importance, calm, balanced.

This feminine energy leads to a perennial physical state, free of ups and downs, devoid of complexes, tensions, anxieties, neuroses, and fears, with a firm grip on the mind and body, on emotions, passions, and intractable lusts.

So you see, if we were more aware about the existence of this possibility for the human being, and if we all learned to develop its potential and process, the world would be very different from the one in which we live in now. This is how I visualize a matriarcal society, based on this feminine power, empowering humanity. How do I know that this could be a possibility for the human race?, Because there are currently many men and women in this perennial physical state. It exists. A majority of human beings could eventually evolve to show a broader and more healthy attitude toward the problem of existence, and this would change everything. The blueprint of evolution is indelibly stamped on the brain. We need only to learn how to read it in order to design our institutions and lifestyles.

15

Dear Lyne,

Thank you so much for explaning me better the concept of feminine energy.Now I understood it fully and totally agree.

We need it , definitely. The world is endangered by violence and conflicts.

Thank you.

Noticed your passion for art , that’s great , I also believe art is important for the soul.

I think you are one of the persons who can really shape the future of humanity !

16

Work and family life

Ciao,

i feel this discussion very important. I’m trying to make my own way in working life since i was 14 years old, when daddy died. During high school, i worked in some factories every summer almost three months to help my family, and trying not to be too heavy, in terms of costs. I did it till 1995 (when i was 23) when i started my “actual” working life, in the “knoledge society”, two years before my graduate.

Since 1995 i’ve tried to figure if i will be able to become a worker, as i thought they were. Become a worker means reach a position that permit you not to thinhk only about you, but share a life with another person who has the some “innate desire” to become parent. But when i married my wife and become parent (two times) i had not yet reached that position that i figured out. I always been able to earn enough to live by myself, but i didn’t Know yet wheter if i could as member of a family in which i can’t think only about me.

In the period in wich my first baby born, to reach the office in wich i worked, as consultant, i needed over two hours and half. I started at 6 a.m. with train, and come back at 8 p.m. My wife worked too, she’s independent professional too. We saw our daughter while she slept. The pay was not enough to live like that. So i tried to figure out a solution that i felt better. I founded it. I did my little company, with no intermediaries; i work if i’m able to find the work i can do. So, i tried to move from consultant position, to leader of a company in wich me and my partners have to become leaders and consultant in the same time. It was/is very difficult. Some people isn’t able to do it. One of the things that i really like in this situation is that, if i find enough work, i can manage my family life, even working from home, beeing able to meet family needs as go to school with child in the morning, and to pick they up, take them to the doctor when they need it, take care of our own…Two years ago i was called from an important Foundation in Rome and partecipate to a selection to became general secretary. I had the skills, they want me. I liked apparently that situation, since the start till they said: ok you are the person we need, do you want come to Rome? The work they want me to do, wasn’t as a consultant,   so without a deadline. Maybe that was the situation i imagined to become a worker, as i thought when a was a child.  I thought a lot. In that period my company won an important work. The most important we’ve ever had. The thing that make me decide to decline to go to work in Rome was a mix: i wanted to continue my working life as member of my little company doing that important work we won and trying to take others, and i wanted to remain near my family and my childs. Going to Rome tille sunday night, to friday night, even if could be important for my “career”, could be devastating for my family life. So i decided not to go.

Summarizing i thing that a man/woman can always choose, but he/she must know that every decision must be tollerate in term of consequences…It’s not always so easy…

17

Respect

I commend this, Renato. Very inspiring. It could even be a mission report of its own!

A side note: commuting is incompatible with just about any sustainable lifestyle. Why did we ever let ourselves be taught into thinking it is nornal to travel one hour or two to go to work every day?

18

Thank you for sharing your experience

Ciao and many thanks for your post,

There’s a lot to learn from it, actually.

Personally, I believe saying NO to Rome was the right decision.Neverthless, I imagine this must have been a difficult decision and I would have also hesitated a lot…But I think it was the right choice to make.

The most important thing is that you are in control of your life, now.

“i can manage my family life, even working from home, beeing able to meet family needs as go to school with child in the morning, and to pick they up, take them to the doctor when they need it, take care of our own…”

That’s exactly what I am saying. One can’t do all these things in a normal, regular job. There’s a such a heavy schedule, that there’s no time left for family. You can’t take care of yourself, and you can neither take care of others.

So should we all try to become entrepeneurs ? But not all of us have the needed skills.

So…what can be done?

19

Yes it is. Not to work for, but to work with…

Ciao,

my own experience (but…it’s only mine!!!) says that the only way to try to live as we really want, is to become entrepreneurs; i mean for entepreneur a man/woman that choose not to work for, but to work with…

The bigger difficulties, if you are able to do what you want to do, are: how the work can be found…

At least, we must try; it’s possible to fail, but it’s better fail than complain for the whole life of what it could be happen if…

Nowadays, after 15 years that i’m trying, i’m not sure that i succeded. I’m on the market, evrything can happen.

But since 1998 i choose to try. And if i’ll fail, i must face the consequences, not only for me but for the family that i build meanwhile.

I think that Edgeryders is a precious opportunity to better understand other realities and to understand if the experience of mine can be usuful to other people, and the experience of other people can be useful to me.

Ciao.

20

Thank you, Renato

I admire you and wish you best of luck.

You are right when you say our duty is to try. We need this courage, right ?

Not to work for, to work with, is a phrase I will definitely remember. It tells it all.

Failure is a risk, but the real failure is indeed to know that you never even tried.

Thanks.