Hello @reeflings,
As we attach a lot of value to transparency and documentation, I figured it would be good to bring an update to this forum on where we are with our emotional springcleaning, all the more because about a third of the full members could not attend the session with the facilitators (Karlien and Marie from Growtime), which eventually only took place last Wednesday (06/11).
1. Summary of what happened
Karlien and Marie offered an NVC-based âself-empathyâ approach, in which we were all invited to think of something thatâs alive in us and that we want to talk about.
The questions we were requested to answer were the following:
- What has been the cause or trigger?
- Look at the trigger and try to undress it. What judgements are hidden in it? How to formulate it as an observation, without a judgement?
- How are you feeling? What is happening inside you?
- What needs are hiding underneath this feeling? What need is asking for attention?
- What is your request or desire now?
After that we were asked who would be willing to address their issue in the middle of the circle. The two people who did that had an issue with the group dynamics in general, so the second chair in the middle of the circle stayed empty at first. What happened then is that the facilitators went through the list of questions above, and tried to unravel that personâs issue into a trigger, an observation, feelings and needs. After that someone was asked to enter the circle, and was asked how what had been said had landed, mostly focusing on feelings and needs.
When both people in the middle of the circle had received empathy from the facilitators and expressed their feelings and needs, the next step was for the first person in the circle (the one expressing) to repeat their issue succinctly, focussing on feelings and needs, to which the second person who entered the circle (the listening person) was asked to repeat in their own words what they had heard. After that the second person (the one listening) got to repeat what they said when they were hearing the expressing person (without reacting though). When this was complete, everybody in the circle was given the opportunity to react.
2. What was said
As you can see I am steering clear of reporting what has been said above, because I am wary of speaking for other people. Even if I tried my utmost to listen as good as I could, my preference would be for everybody to speak for themselves, so that we avoid the risk of misinterpretation.
@alberto @ChrisM @Dave_behave @els @mieke @RichardB @Sarah @Sophie_B and @ugne, itâs an open request of course, but if youâd be open to write a couple of sentences on what you said or where you stand with this, I think that would be of great value (though no pressure of course).
And of course all those who couldnât be there, please feel very welcome to share what you would have said if time-space realities had been different.
3. What I said
Following up to my request above, this is how Iâd summarise my contribution:
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Itâs my true wish that we bring power-with to everything that we do, so I really mourn that we are struggling with frustrations about our groupâs dynamics. Thereâs nothing I want more than to make space for all voices and for everybody to feel empowered.
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I really hope that we can create the emotional safety for everybody to feel free to express their views. I personally feel less safe when I am not sure that everybody is speaking their mind.
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I want to commit to radical honesty and giraffe ears as much as I can. By âradical honestyâ, I mean that I want to express whatâs going on in me, even if itâs a frustration or a difficult message. My hope is that this can bring some reassurance in the way we relate to each other, and that nobody needs to make assumptions about what I think about them: if I have an issue, I want to find the courage to bring it up. Vice versa, by using my âgiraffe earsâ, what I mean is that I want to listen to everybody elseâs honesty. No matter how it is expressed, I will strive to hear your feelings and needs, so that you donât need to worry about possibly hurting me with your words.
4. What now? (group level)
What the facilitators said, was that the conversation in the circle was just a first step. All the things that we noted down for ourselves (in the written preparation) are things that will require attention, one way or another. We can address them at Full Members dinners, or in one-on-ones, or we can do this empathic mediation in groups of three of four, ⌠many things are possible.
To me personally it seems like a logical next step that we each have a look at the issues that we listed, and that we see how these could be addressed. What I expect is that this will lead to an âand ⌠andâ way forward, in which we will get more clarity on the things we want to be more transparent about in terms of group dynamics and differences in informal power AND we will conclude on a couple of things we want to change in the way we do things. But this is not something that is going to happen from one day to another, this will take time.
5. What now? (personal level)
I think this thread could also be an excellent opportunity to gather everybodyâs views on the way forward. How do you see it? What are you going to do concretely yourself? Provided that you are happy to share something, Iâd be happy to hear from all @reeflings.
As for myself, I have five things:
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I would really like to have more frequent Full Members dinners, and to invest in them as the precious moment for connection that they are meant to be.
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I would like to discuss a couple of things more in-depth in one-on-ones, and I will take the steps to make that happen.
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I would like to make a post about Ted Rauâs book âCollective Powerâ, and my key take-aways from that, which I will then link to one of the issues I had on my written preparation about how we function as a group.
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I would like to have a short discussion in Team Recruitment & Onboarding about what was discussed, because I believe how we onboard people can have a crucial impact on how everybody gets to feel they âownâ The Reef as much as everybody else.
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At some point I would also like to discuss the issue in a Coordination Group meeting, with as many Team Coordinators present as possible (but this is something I would like to do in a later stage, when more views have been expressed).
6. Too long, didnât read? (TL;DR)
With this post I am trying to get everybody up to speed on the âemotional resetâ dialogue that we had last week.
I am a bit wary to speak on behalf of other people, so there is a request - provided you are open to this - to write a couple of lines on the essence of what you said (or wanted to say) that evening.
The next question is on the way forward, where I think we will land on a mix of being more transparent about informal power and getting to a proposal on a couple of things we want to change. The question here to all @reeflings is how you see the way forward, and possibly also what you are planning to do yourself in the next coming weeks and months.
