Emotional springcleaning autumn 2024

Hello @reef-associate,

Somewhere half way the summer break we noticed in the group of Full Members that we may be dealing with a bit of an under-the-waterline emotional hangover from the site purchasing process, and so we decided to contract a professional facilitator to help us with a little group dynamics spring cleaning.

Just to be clear: there is no drama, there are no fights and - as far as I am aware - there are barely any out-of-the-ordinary interpersonal tensions. We look at it more as a matter of hygiene: we have been through a rather stressful period together, and so if we don’t take the time to bring up an leftover tensions now, there is a risk that they will get out of proportion later on, with a risk of explosion that is going to cost us much more emotional energy.

A first session has been planned on 18 September, with Mia Vranken, one of the founders of Cohousing De Okelaar. This we are going to do with the people who were in The Reef at the moment of the purchase. This is not because we want to keep any secrets from you, but more because this will allow all of us to speak freely, without the fear of being judged or needing to provide context to people who weren’t there. Afterwards I imagine we’ll provide some sort of summary (so that effectively no secrets are created), and of course you are always welcome to ask us any question you would like to ask.

What I expect will happen - but that’s just me - is that we’ll mostly be talking about group dynamics (rather than personal conflicts, which is not the issue here), for example about how we can find a better balance between being efficient and at the same time making space for people to be heard. If that would be the case, then I can imagine that we may want to do a second session, one in which we’ll be looking forward, which would be easier to open up to aspiring Full Members (but to be seen of course).

We’ll keep you posted …

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Nice initiative.

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Hello @reeflings,

As we attach a lot of value to transparency and documentation, I figured it would be good to bring an update to this forum on where we are with our emotional springcleaning, all the more because about a third of the full members could not attend the session with the facilitators (Karlien and Marie from Growtime), which eventually only took place last Wednesday (06/11).

1. Summary of what happened

Karlien and Marie offered an NVC-based “self-empathy” approach, in which we were all invited to think of something that’s alive in us and that we want to talk about.

The questions we were requested to answer were the following:

  • What has been the cause or trigger?
  • Look at the trigger and try to undress it. What judgements are hidden in it? How to formulate it as an observation, without a judgement?
  • How are you feeling? What is happening inside you?
  • What needs are hiding underneath this feeling? What need is asking for attention?
  • What is your request or desire now?

After that we were asked who would be willing to address their issue in the middle of the circle. The two people who did that had an issue with the group dynamics in general, so the second chair in the middle of the circle stayed empty at first. What happened then is that the facilitators went through the list of questions above, and tried to unravel that person’s issue into a trigger, an observation, feelings and needs. After that someone was asked to enter the circle, and was asked how what had been said had landed, mostly focusing on feelings and needs.

When both people in the middle of the circle had received empathy from the facilitators and expressed their feelings and needs, the next step was for the first person in the circle (the one expressing) to repeat their issue succinctly, focussing on feelings and needs, to which the second person who entered the circle (the listening person) was asked to repeat in their own words what they had heard. After that the second person (the one listening) got to repeat what they said when they were hearing the expressing person (without reacting though). When this was complete, everybody in the circle was given the opportunity to react.

2. What was said

As you can see I am steering clear of reporting what has been said above, because I am wary of speaking for other people. Even if I tried my utmost to listen as good as I could, my preference would be for everybody to speak for themselves, so that we avoid the risk of misinterpretation.

@alberto @ChrisM @Dave_behave @els @mieke @RichardB @Sarah @Sophie_B and @ugne, it’s an open request of course, but if you’d be open to write a couple of sentences on what you said or where you stand with this, I think that would be of great value (though no pressure of course).

And of course all those who couldn’t be there, please feel very welcome to share what you would have said if time-space realities had been different.

3. What I said

Following up to my request above, this is how I’d summarise my contribution:

  • It’s my true wish that we bring power-with to everything that we do, so I really mourn that we are struggling with frustrations about our group’s dynamics. There’s nothing I want more than to make space for all voices and for everybody to feel empowered.

  • I really hope that we can create the emotional safety for everybody to feel free to express their views. I personally feel less safe when I am not sure that everybody is speaking their mind.

  • I want to commit to radical honesty and giraffe ears as much as I can. By “radical honesty”, I mean that I want to express what’s going on in me, even if it’s a frustration or a difficult message. My hope is that this can bring some reassurance in the way we relate to each other, and that nobody needs to make assumptions about what I think about them: if I have an issue, I want to find the courage to bring it up. Vice versa, by using my “giraffe ears”, what I mean is that I want to listen to everybody else’s honesty. No matter how it is expressed, I will strive to hear your feelings and needs, so that you don’t need to worry about possibly hurting me with your words.

4. What now? (group level)

What the facilitators said, was that the conversation in the circle was just a first step. All the things that we noted down for ourselves (in the written preparation) are things that will require attention, one way or another. We can address them at Full Members dinners, or in one-on-ones, or we can do this empathic mediation in groups of three of four, … many things are possible.

To me personally it seems like a logical next step that we each have a look at the issues that we listed, and that we see how these could be addressed. What I expect is that this will lead to an “and … and” way forward, in which we will get more clarity on the things we want to be more transparent about in terms of group dynamics and differences in informal power AND we will conclude on a couple of things we want to change in the way we do things. But this is not something that is going to happen from one day to another, this will take time.

5. What now? (personal level)

I think this thread could also be an excellent opportunity to gather everybody’s views on the way forward. How do you see it? What are you going to do concretely yourself? Provided that you are happy to share something, I’d be happy to hear from all @reeflings.

As for myself, I have five things:

  • I would really like to have more frequent Full Members dinners, and to invest in them as the precious moment for connection that they are meant to be.

  • I would like to discuss a couple of things more in-depth in one-on-ones, and I will take the steps to make that happen.

  • I would like to make a post about Ted Rau’s book “Collective Power”, and my key take-aways from that, which I will then link to one of the issues I had on my written preparation about how we function as a group.

  • I would like to have a short discussion in Team Recruitment & Onboarding about what was discussed, because I believe how we onboard people can have a crucial impact on how everybody gets to feel they “own” The Reef as much as everybody else.

  • At some point I would also like to discuss the issue in a Coordination Group meeting, with as many Team Coordinators present as possible (but this is something I would like to do in a later stage, when more views have been expressed).

6. Too long, didn’t read? (TL;DR)

With this post I am trying to get everybody up to speed on the “emotional reset” dialogue that we had last week.

I am a bit wary to speak on behalf of other people, so there is a request - provided you are open to this - to write a couple of lines on the essence of what you said (or wanted to say) that evening.

The next question is on the way forward, where I think we will land on a mix of being more transparent about informal power and getting to a proposal on a couple of things we want to change. The question here to all @reeflings is how you see the way forward, and possibly also what you are planning to do yourself in the next coming weeks and months.

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hi everyone,
what i tried to express…

  • i have a need - when discussing sensitive subjects - to hear everybody’s voice
  • the underlying need is to feel connected to everybody
  • I feel certain people have more power than others (which i think is human/normal in a way) and i think hearing the more silent voices will bring more balance in this.
  • i have a need for joy in the accomplishment of this project, which i sometimes miss and makes it heavy at times. For me not only the result is important, but also the way we accomplish this result.
  • i have a need for transparency, and not only that but as it’s in our blueprint a need to ‘walk the talk’

how do i see the way forward

  • i would like to know how - the things that were said - resonated with everyone, to know if this is a feeling for the people speaking out that evening or if this is something felt by a larger part of the group.
  • i am planning to read/understand more about ‘collective power’
  • i am planning to mention sth related to all of this, in team building and/or do a performance review of me being team building coordinator, as i feel i am also in a power situation that i am not feeling absolutely comfortable with
  • i want to reflect more on what needs lie beneath my feeling of ‘some people having more powers than others’
  • i want to give/offer team conflict management some support if appreciated, to help to move forward with this
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Thank you lie for this summary. i was not there and it helps to catch up.

I wanted to share some thoughts and feelings in the spirit of open and honest communication.

When I see some members leaving the project, I feel sad and frustrated. I deeply value living in a diverse ecosystem where various personalities and perspectives can thrive together, and I have a strong need for that diversity to be part of our community.

There are also moments when I feel my opinions might not be fully trusted. For example, when I suggested a lawyer I knew personally and believed would be the best fit for the project, I felt disappointed when a different provider was chosen. It left me with a feeling of being unseen, and I’d appreciate having more trust placed in the experiences and perspectives I bring to the table.

I also believe that we can create an environment where everyone feels free to take action without needing to win every debate. I’d like us to work in a way that allows for more flexibility and shared decision-making, where we can let each other take the lead from time to time. I think that would foster a sense of freedom and mutual trust, which I find important.

That being said, I want to emphasize that, my problems are not big, I genuinely appreciate the contributions of each member here. I believe we have a fantastic team, and everyone brings something special to this project.

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My contribution to the circle was on the power balance in our group and what I perceive as an inherent potential for frustration. I personally accept that, in a group like ours, powers will hardly ever be evenly distributed. And yet that puts us in a dilemma, as we want to apply sociocracy and full transparency as much as possible. Add to this informal power structures and the impact one can have on discussions. I do not have obvious solutions but know that the topic will reappear and continue to be discussed as mentioned by Lie above and Chris in the remit of Team Conflict Management :slight_smile:

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I can find myself in the things that had been said in the circle by Els and Richard. These were actually the two things that I had written down on my paper:

  • I sometimes feel uncomfortable and alone when I have a different opinion and when I don’t hear many other opinions, only the strong voices. That makes me feel insecure, because when this happens, I don’t know if my opinion does resonate, or not at all. It sometimes makes me feel as if I am not being taken seriously. I think more use of hand gestures might help. But I will also try to take action myself: when I feel this, I will try to ask actively to the group what they think (like Lie says: I also want to commit to radical honesty, even if it’s frustrations or difficult messages)
  • I also feel what Richard said about the informal power, which is on one hand inevitable, on the other hand, we should be really aware of it. Even though we apply sociocracy and this makes that every member can give his opinion, there are some voices that seem to have more authority than others (for example because they are better in expressing themselves, they are longer in the project, or they are member of a specific team that has more affinity and knowledge about a certain topic, etc.) I don’t want to blame anyone who has informal power, because I truly believe it is inevitable, however we should be aware of it and make sure that ‘less powerful voices’ are given attention too.

I just want to add that I am still happy to be part of this project and that I think it is normal that we sometimes feel frustrated - we are humans. I still think we are a great diverse group and I cannot wait to live together in our cohousing :slight_smile:

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I expressed:

  • A doubt that there is much to be gained by focusing a lot on group dynamics. We humans are very imperfect, and I tend to take that as a given. Trying to change people’s behaviours takes a lot of time that could be spent otherwise, and tends to fail anyway. I prefer to invest in forgiveness and compassion for other people’s failings, hoping they will forgive my own in turn, and focus on the actual project. In this sense I did not get much from the exercise. But I am happy I went, because it seemed to be helpful to others.
  • Surprise that group dynamics seems, for many of us, much more interesting than building a project together, for example discussing common spaces or inclusion.
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For those who would need more emotional safety to contribute to this thread: the purpose is that we only post about what we said or would have like to have said.

If you want to react to something someone has said, I recommend you find an occasion in-person, to avoid the possibility of misunderstandings.

If you would like to make a proposal on the way forward, I would recommend starting another thread.

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Thank you @Lee for thoughtful contributions to this thread, and thank you to all those who have shared their experiences and insights since the workshop…

As Full Member coordinator and Team Conflict Management, I’m going to start a new thread to do exactly that :slight_smile:

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