Hello @reef-conflict,
We have been talking about the organisation of the Full Member dinners at the Coordination Group in January of this year, where @Sterre committed the team to taking over the organisation of these dinners, including the launch of an exercise on how the dinners could be reshaped.
As it’s been five months now without a lot of tangible results, in this post I would like to offer a short description of how things used to be and how some things have changed plus some suggestions on how you could take this forward.
To be clear: I am not writing this post with any blame or judgement - it’s really all good. I just have a dear need for some emotional hygiene space to be in place as we used to have it, and so I trust that you can read this post coming from a place of seeking alignment and seeking a solution for my unfulfilled need.
1. The history of the Full Member dinners
Noting that our group is growing (i.e. not everybody is as familiar with past practices) and that we have a commitment to transparency and documentation, this section brings a short summary of where we are coming from.
In the early days …
Once upon a time, in the embryo stages of The Reef, we used to have Full Member dinners only when there was a crisis (the earliest I remember is February 2022). The way it worked was we would get together at 7 pm sharp for a dinner, clear the dishes by 8 sharp and then go into meeting mode. Not so much later, the way I remember it, we institutionalised these dinners a bit more, and committed to organising these dinners every 8-12 weeks, still with the same format (start the meeting part at 8 pm sharp) but more in view of having a space for emotional connection and maintenance.
Moving to every 6 weeks and adding decisions about membership
A bit later, when we ran into a crisis around decision-making about membership applications, we added discussions about membership applications to these Full Member dinners and changed the frequency to every 6 weeks (with the dates set for the next 6 months ahead, to avoid the scheduling problem). At some point we also created a new role, the “Full Members Coordinator”, to which @ChrisM got selected twice.
The situation until last year
This is still how the situation was at the governance reform of February last year, where the frequency and function of these dinners was confirmed (Login – Nextcloud - at the end of the document)
We use the Full Member dinners for appreciation, feedback and making space for whatever is difficult in that moment
- We organise the Full Member dinners every 6 weeks (as it is now). If a dinner falls away, we schedule another one, so that we always have a moment for appreciation and feedback at least every 6 weeks.
- We make enough time for emotional maintenance. This means doing sessions on appreciation, personal connection, feedback on things that are not going well or which are creating frustration, and making space for anything that needs to be said.
Reasoning:
- See Lee’s post1 and Powerpoint2 on managing power and responsibility in a self-managed group: power-with is only possible when people are held accountable, and there is honest feedback given in an atmosphere of mutual trust.
- The people who will take up a lot of responsibility need to be able to trust that feedback will be given, as soon as possible.
- Making space for appreciation and frustration should ensure that as few things as possible disappear under the water line.
1 How to manage power and responsibility in a collaborative group
2. What has changed and not changed
Around the autumn of last year @ChrisM stepped down as the Full Members Coordinator and a bit later I proposed to mothball the so-called “Group Coordinator” role (to which I had been selected twice) and to move in the direction of more shared leadership (see Relaunching the Coordination Group + working towards the selection of the Coordination Group Leader).
Because of the difficult times that we were going through as a group, it didn’t work out to organise Full Member dinners every 6 weeks, but in principle the decision to not do this has so far not been taken.
Somewhere in between part of the discussions on membership have moved online. Was this because of the summer break? I can’t remember, but I do remember that we never decided to have discussions about final applications online.
3. Reshaping the Full Member dinners
At the Coordination Group meeting in January we agreed that Team Conflict Management would take over the organisation of the Full Member dinners, plus set up a process in which we would collectively think about how we could possibly reshape these dinners. The way I understood this, ideally at some point this would be specified in a proposal that would then come to a plenary meeting.
A first poll has been made about how people see things (see FM dinner), but so far there has not been any follow up to that.
4. Some suggestions on how to take this further
A common learning edge in sociocracy is a desire to decide everything together, which can in some cases slow things down for no reason. The solution to this is empowering people (or Helping Circles) to achieve more agility and efficiency. One suggestion could therefore be to make some explicit role descriptions (e.g. planner, logistical organiser, cook(s), topics collector, facilitator(s) etc), select people or groups of people for it, and then trust them to take responsibility outside of the Team Conflict Management meetings. This doesn’t stop you from talking about the Full Member dinners at the Team Conflict Management meetings, but at least you won’t need to lose time on trivial things and instead you can talk about what really matters for the next dinner.
The discussion about the format is probably a bigger one. Questions could include the following:
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How often do people want to meet?
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Will it be expected that everybody shows up, or will it be optional?
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Do we eat and chitchat, or do we make space for really deep conversations about tensions under the waterline?
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Do we want to continue to call it “Full Member dinners”, or have we reached the point where shortly everybody will be a FM and a more suitable name would be something like “Connection Moments”? Etc etc etc.
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How do we transparently collect topics that people would like to address?
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How will these meetings be facilitated?
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Etc etc etc.
If it would turn out that currently there is not enough capacity in Team Conflict Management to take this on, I’d be grateful if you could consider setting up a Helping Circle just on this topic and invite 1-2 people who’d be willing to step in (I won’t, if that can be of reassurance 
).
4. My request
The times have been difficult lately, and they will become difficult again in the future without any doubt. So in the first place I miss these deep connection spaces a lot, as I believe they are a foundational institution that keeps us together when we are under a lot of pressure.
At a more personal level, as a Reefling who does more work than average, I tend to receive more criticism than average, and I reckon I also trigger certain people more than the average Reefling. To the extent possible I have a preference to receive feedback in a one-on-one setting, and I can also imagine that there are situations in which it can feel supportive to do this in the presence of the entire group. In as long as it can be brought in neutral way (e.g.“when you said A, I felt B, because I have a need for C - how is that for you to hear?”), I would personally receive such feedback as a great gift, and it would bring an incredible sense of safety to me knowing that we have a space that we open at a regular frequency where we can try to re-establish trust and connection.
In summary, to me these Full Member dinners were an absolutely essential institutional mechanism in terms of connection, feedback and accountability. Having them at a regular frequency brings me a sense of safety on several fronts, and so my request to @reef-conflict would in the first place be whether you could please start organising these dinners as we used to do (i.e. every 6 weeks, starting the talking part at 8 pm sharp), or else ask for help if you don’t have the capacity.
In a second place I think it could be a nice part of our growth process as a group to evaluate these Full Member dinners and see how we could reshape them, so I think I would like to ask for a perspective on what you are planning to do on this front (i.e. what, how and by when) and that you possibly ask for help if you don’t have enough capacity. How is that for you?
5. Feedback
I want to refer back to the introduction of my post, where I emphasized that I am writing all this not from a place of reproach, but from a genuine desire to get back to the frequent organisation of these dinners, which I consider like an essential institution to keep our group healthy and alive, and which would bring me personally a greater sense of safety.
I realised it became a long post - in part because I thought it could add value to document the history of things have evolved, in part because sometimes I prefer more words over lack of clarity. I shared my own thoughts on a couple of issues and I added a request, which feels a bit vulnerable. So if somebody would be moved to add their own viewpoint or how my post has landed, it would help me to feel more connected. TIA!
